Laurel,
I sit here, marveling, on what we believe to be the eve of your birth. I haven't even gotten to lay my eyes on the wonder I already know you are, and yet, baby you have already caused quite a rumble in our lives. One day I will tell you the story of the nine months leading up to your arrival that have truly passed in the blink of an eye. In fact, one day I will tell you of the years and years, and years, that have brought us here, in our cozy little apartment living room anxiously waiting for this precious miracle to finally show her face. Please know that daddy would never use this word, miracle, lightly, by the way. For one day I will tell you tales that begin in hopelessness, in defeat, in shame and many other dark things that in another time had me believing that a man like me could never dream of, let alone care for, a soul as precious as yours. Laurel, please know that while these stories take time to tell, and much longer to live, they will end in hope, in victory, and in light. I say this confidently, because today that man is gone. In his place is someone else entirely; a brave and hopeful man who is still in awe that in mere hours he will finally be able to squeeze your hands, rub your nose, and sing you to sleep. These little gestures may seem insignificant, but if we are telling the truth, they are deep, meaningful moments of intimacy that at one time I forced myself to believe I would never get to experience for myself. Yes, one day this new man will tell you how he came to find himself where he is now, married to the woman of his dreams, waiting for the product of their love to join them in their story. And he will tie these stories up by telling you that one day, you will go on a similar journey (we all have our crosses to carry), and that there are a few things you should know as you do. First, Laurel, your mother is a fighter. A lover. The truest form of beauty I have ever encountered on this earth, in every way imaginable. There will be times you do not want to, but I implore you to listen to what she has to say. Make determined efforts to soak up every word she releases, for it is my belief that nothing can substitute a mother's voice in a daughter's life, and your mother does not let a single word pass her lips that does not hold its weight in meaning and truth. This incredible woman who has the honor of being your mother has so much inside of her to offer you. She will teach you to mind your manners, but dear Laurel, never confuse manners for meekness. Someone in your life may tell you at a young age that girls are meant to hold their tongues, to be quiet and not shake foundations or tear down strongholds. Do not believe them for even a moment. It hurts me already to think that someone could speak so carelessly into your heart, and yet darling they will. But you have already been set aside to accomplish great things in your own way. Don't you dare let anything make you think otherwise. Second, my Laurel, be good to yourself. Love your body not because of the way it looks, but because it is yours, a gift to care for and use diligently, not one to abuse or hate. Love your mind, not because it is perfect or always right, but because it is a tool that will be of great use to you, especially if you are anything like your mother (as we are all secretly really hoping you are). And love your soul, not because it always leads you in the right direction, but merely because it, because you, are worthy of real, true, outrageous love. And finally, you will find that people will take advantage of your sympathetic heart or be judgmental against your fierce spirit. This is something many experience, and yet few learn to work through. It is from my experience of being among the ones who took much longer to learn this lesson that I offer you a final piece of direction I believe you will need to hold near to your heart every day as you navigate the wild, untamed journey you are about go on. Laurel Ember, never hide. It may be frightening, the idea of being known, because revealing the deepest parts of yourself will always afford you the possibility of being misunderstood, and there is no pain quite like the sting of being misunderstood. You will have days and seasons that you know, that you know, it would be easier to just shrink back and not open up about your victories and your failures, your pride and your shame, or your secrets and your surprises. But know this: you. are. worth. knowing. Every piece of you, every dark corner, every secret pushed down in fear is worthy of being known, cared for, loved. Your victories may make you feel proud, but your failures, your struggling, your shortcomings, your personality flaws, your wrestling with ideas others may easily accept are all what make you human. They are what make you real. They are what make you ours, and we could not ask for anything more in a daughter. Do not ask for anything more in yourself. One of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis is quoted saying, “Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.” It is because of this very way of thinking that you will grow up hearing and reading stories of people like Stargirl, Frodo Baggins, Lucy Pevensie, Percy Jackson, Charlie Bucket, Dorothy Gale, Mowgli, Katniss Everdeen, and many other heroes, as you fall asleep letting these voyagers, forerunners, fighters, and lovers invade your dreams and teach you the lessons I can't. Let their stories help you in yours. Your mother and I could not possibly be more excited to meet you than we are right now, spending our final moments as just us, dreaming, laughing, imagining all of the joy and love and fulfillment of once-considered impossible dreams, that you are bringing with your arrival. Tonight, we are a couple. Tomorrow, you will make us a family. Love, Dad
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I promise, I'm still alive.
A few days ago, a friend of mine asked me for a link to my blog. In passing it along to him, I decided to take a few moments to read the last thing I wrote. I couldn't help but laugh as I read it. You guys, I'm so sorry! Haha! The last time I wrote something on here, I was in the middle of the most confusing, painful, broken time of my life. That was in August of last year, almost six months ago! And I haven't written a word since. Honestly, that was probably what I needed at the time. Like I was telling another good friend recently, it's hard to see, to understand what's happening in a season of your life, when you're actually in that season of life. Aint that the truest. I had no idea what was going on, why I was hurting, why I felt so broken. I knew it had a lot to do with the anger, the coldness, the apathy, and the bitterness that I let take control of me. But I didn't see an end to any of it, or the purpose for it. I think it was good that I stopped writing for a little while. It gave me a moment to stop talking, and to find what I needed to find. An end. And as the year began to wrap itself up, boy did I find it. I began to see how the bitterness and anger was infecting my life, and in that realization, I was able to eradicate it. I changed my perspective of life, of love, of myself, and it was like my whole life changed, In a matter of months I began to see myself not as harsh, cynical, or disturbed, but as strong, and kind, and... Improving. Haha, yes, always improving. I'm under no delusion of grandeur that I am suddenly better or have miraculously made it. But I'm getting better. And that's what I wanted to jump on here to say. I'm getting better! I hate that the last thing I publicly said about myself is that I felt like I was surrounded by darkness. Yes, for a time last year, I was heavy, weighed down by a lot of dark things, but friends the sun did eventually rise! I also wanted to say that this year, I plan on publishing my personal journey, in its entirety. I've shared pieces here and there, but I've been wanting to write a progressive story for a while now, a tool I plan to use to help me process everything, good and bad, that I've been through. The Lord has done so much in my life, and I've been scared to talk about it because my story isn't very...traditional. But it's time. And I'm not afraid anymore, honestly. I think if anything came out of last year, it's that I didn't just learn not to be driven by my fear of being a disappointment, but last year completely wiped it out. And ever since I've noticed that, I haven't felt so alive. |
@NickALakatosThe musings of a man who experiences the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. Archives
January 2018
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