I've held all of this in for a long time. But now, after revisiting Germany for a week with a team of missionaries from my alma matter, I know it's high past time to get it out. Germany was a lot harder than I used to let on. Of course, it was an incredible experience. I do not regret going, nor do I think poorly of my time there. In the seven months that Brooke and I lived overseas, we met people who undeniably changed our perspectives, our hearts, and ultimately, our lives. We met generals in the faith who are hidden amongst the mundane motion of everyday life, people who are happy to go unnoticed by men, as long as they are known by God. Those relationships are some of the most beautiful things I hold close to my heart. But Germany was also a landslide of confusion and frustration. And to be honest, I didn't handle it well. At all. But that requires a bit more storytelling to explain. The first few months that we were in Germany, everything was great! I absolutely loved my job. I was leading devotional style classes to Afghani refugees, teaching them about the Bible and it's Author. I was administrating details for conferences, acting as the liaison for the American guests who came to visit the ministry and lead its services. I was leading worship with Brooke, and we were loving it! But something was off. I could tell from the start, but I ignored it. Mistake 1. Ignoring the beginnings of a storm. After about three months, I was spent. Done. I was frustrated by situations and circumstances that really don't even matter for the sake of what I'm telling you now, but at the time, they consumed my peace, my joy, and my resolution. I remember telling Brooke that I just wanted to go home. Maybe if we talked to the pastor, he would release us from our seven month agreement. But the memories of ministry school classes on honor, integrity, loyalty, and commitment came flooding in, too strong to keep me from doing that. Well those memories, as well as Brooke's encouragement and stability. God's grace is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me, and in my mind, Brooke is an inseparable part of that grace. So Brooke and I talked and came to a solution. The first three months, Brooke's primary job was cooking the meals. Since we housed anywhere from two to twelve refugees at any given time, this was no small feat. And she had been getting a little tired of coming up with new meals, so we had basically been eating pasta every night. Love ya babe, but the kitchen isn't your best place to shine. So we made a trade. I took over the cooking, she took over the office work. Mistake 2. Thinking that changing my outward circumstances would stop the inner storm that was now brewing even stronger. Well time went on, and I got worse. I was still frustrated, angry, and was now headed down a moral decline. I started drinking. A little. I started using profanity. A lot. I was late to every service, and I began isolating myself. Really, isolation doesn't do it justice. I hate to say this, but I got to the point where I would wake up to make breakfast, and go lay back in bed. Then I would get up to make lunch. And go back to bed. Then I would get up to make dinner. And then, I would go back to bed, where I would Netflix until I fell asleep. Only to wake up, and do it all again. And again. And again. I remember thinking, I just can't wait to get back to America, back to my job, my car, my house, my own life. Mistake 3. Thinking that the floods wouldn't follow me. I thought that when I came back to America, I would get better. But I came back to America. And I didn't get better. I was still drinking, though I never got drunk, I only say that to note that morally, I was digressing. I was still using profanity, which I think shows the state of my heart more than anything. And emotionally, I was a nine-car pile up. I felt alone, and sad, and desperate. So desperate, I started looking into therapy, counseling, even emotional support animals. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Until I had dinner with a friend. He noticed my staggering and asked me if I would like to get dinner with him. We had never hung out before, but I was so glad to have another man to connect with, who was wanting to help in my time of need. So I agreed. While we were eating, he began to talk about fears he worked through when he was younger. It was then, that I felt something in my gut kick. I knew there was a connection to what he was saying and what I had just gone through. But what was it? I relentlessly though and prayed about it. It was by that prayer and self-reflection that I realized my answer. And it hit me like a bullet. I am insanely, maddeningly controlled by my fear of disappointing people. And when I realized that, it was like my eyes were opened to everything that had happened. For years, I built a reputation of being a hard worker, a man with high morals and good judgment. But this reputation, this life, it wasn't built on love. I didn't have high morals and a strong work ethic because I loved God, or people, or even myself. I had all these standards because I was afraid that if people saw me as anything less than excellent, they would be disappointed. And to counter that fear, I strived to impress. Well, then, I up and moved to a place where I was alone, working by myself, having nobody to check up on me or see how I was doing. So I crashed. I crashed and burned because my only reason for being excellent was my fear of disappointing people, and in Germany, I had no one to disappoint, and no one to impress. I thought I had built this incredible life, an outstanding reputation for myself, on a solid foundation. What I didn't realize, is that I had built it all on a foundation of sand. So the promised winds and rains, the storm, began to brew. As that old Sunday School song says, the rains came down and the flood came up. And what did my foundation of sand leave me with...but ruins? But it was in this revelation that I was able to change.
For you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Seeing my fears for the first time, allowed me to evict them. I stopped worrying about disappointing people. I stopped striving to impress people. But that didn't undo all of the damage that had already been done. So that leads me to today. I feel like I'm in a very interesting season of life. As if I've woken up, the morning after a storm. The dust has settled, and the sun has started warming the house through the windows. I make my way to the door, hesitating for a moment, knowing I will not like what I see. I take a breath, and turn the doorknob. And now I'm out, looking for everything that's broken, everything that's torn, everything that's missing. I lost my reasoning, my support behind my morality, my work ethic, even the motivation behind my walk with God. But in the end, it was good. Because my motivations were based out of fear. Not love. And now, it's time to rebuild. So I will leave you with my statement of hope. It's something my sister shared with me, not long ago, out of a book someone had given to her. It's a line that went something like this: When you find yourself relapsing, digressing, in a state worse than the one you were previously in, do not despair. You have not lost the progress you made. For what you have gained, you have gained.
3 Comments
Mom
6/9/2017 08:41:48 pm
Being true to yourself...the best place to be
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Samuel C Barr
6/10/2017 03:26:38 am
Thanks for sharing Nick! I know the opportunities of growth are necessary and I know that we couldn't handle it if God showed us all or issues at once, nevertheless I wish there was a way that didn't involve did so much riddle deciphering. What feels like 20 steps back to go what feels like a few steps forward is not ideal and yet so merciful, gracious and filled with love from such a good good father!
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7/8/2017 01:10:38 pm
Keep on keeping on, Nick! Rebuilding is not an easy task, but a powerful destiny awaits those to take up the task. The Lord is at work in your life, hence your revelation of your struggle with seeking human approbation (the Word calls it the fear or man). The devil seeks to take us out of affect play by crippling us...killing, stealing, and destroying to render us ineffective. We are MORE than conquerors through Him!
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@NickALakatosThe musings of a man who experiences the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. Archives
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